Just a random thought.
Been picking up after myself lately, trying to get back to a normal life, after merely existing for a few months, being so depressed that I'd just lie on bed waiting for the day it all finally come to an end...
Realise that so much have changed. I'm so used to doing nothing, not caring about anything at all, nothing matters to me, don't need to eat, don't need to study, don't need to worry about offending anyone (who cares anyway). Now, the responsibilities of life suddenly appeared to be heavy on me. I've suddenly become totally insensitive, for the first time in life, I offend people without a second thought...
Argh, sad state, I wish it never came to this stage, this is so different even I can't recognise myself...
Feel so lonely, feel so tired, so heavy, so hard to stand up again and get back on track...
Hall activities feels like a heavy burden, but yet, it's the only thing left to live for.... :-(
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
It's better to hold back your words...
Was so tired and irritated, did something really bad today, wished I was dumb, wished I didn't even wake up...
Argh, I'm so so sorry, but what can I do. There's no turning back time...
Don't wanna loose a friend... :-(
Argh, I'm so so sorry, but what can I do. There's no turning back time...
Don't wanna loose a friend... :-(
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Cleaning up the aftermath
Looking back at the past month or so, it was really a dark period of my life. Everything seemed to go wrong, getting depressed very often, I practically felt like I was merely existing, not living...
Anyway, there's always a time for getting up again, and facing the reality. It's never easy, so I didn't expect it to be. But this is much worse than I thought. I've left a mess of myself, like a desolate town, in the movies you watch, like Osgiliath from LOTR.
But I have decided, and nothing's gonna change that. I know that I may not have what I want, I may not be as comfortable as some others. Still, all I will need is faith, and trust.
Conditions looked rather bleak. I just ran through the amount of studies I need to catch up on, lecture notes that I have not even downloaded from ivle, let alone seen it before... If there's a time to start, this will be the best time.
Looking at it from right here where I am, it seems like there's no way I'm gonna pull through this semester with decent grades. But then again, I have a hope, because I know God still haven't not give up on me, even when I myself gave up. I still have my family and friends praying for me, and I know that's more than I need already.
It's a very nice feeling, to know that you are not alone, to know that there's someone bigger than the world on your side. It's like fighting a war with hope even though from our point of view, you'll never be able to win it.
Somehow I feel the energy to carry on, much akin to the hobbits going to war in Mordor. There strength yet to fight because they knew that at the end of the day, they have the shire to return to, and the sheer thought of that keeps them going on.
Well, I have a shire to return to also. And this is a much better place, where no one can destroy, unlike the shire. And whatever happens here on earth, it's alright. I'll go on, because at the end of the day, we shall return to heaven, and that will be joy forever!
Anyway, there's always a time for getting up again, and facing the reality. It's never easy, so I didn't expect it to be. But this is much worse than I thought. I've left a mess of myself, like a desolate town, in the movies you watch, like Osgiliath from LOTR.
But I have decided, and nothing's gonna change that. I know that I may not have what I want, I may not be as comfortable as some others. Still, all I will need is faith, and trust.
Conditions looked rather bleak. I just ran through the amount of studies I need to catch up on, lecture notes that I have not even downloaded from ivle, let alone seen it before... If there's a time to start, this will be the best time.
Looking at it from right here where I am, it seems like there's no way I'm gonna pull through this semester with decent grades. But then again, I have a hope, because I know God still haven't not give up on me, even when I myself gave up. I still have my family and friends praying for me, and I know that's more than I need already.
It's a very nice feeling, to know that you are not alone, to know that there's someone bigger than the world on your side. It's like fighting a war with hope even though from our point of view, you'll never be able to win it.
Somehow I feel the energy to carry on, much akin to the hobbits going to war in Mordor. There strength yet to fight because they knew that at the end of the day, they have the shire to return to, and the sheer thought of that keeps them going on.
Well, I have a shire to return to also. And this is a much better place, where no one can destroy, unlike the shire. And whatever happens here on earth, it's alright. I'll go on, because at the end of the day, we shall return to heaven, and that will be joy forever!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Post deleted
I realised that since I have no way to express myself without hurting anyone, I just won't.
But what can one do when one is so down, sad, and low, and no one wants to spend time to listen? Isn't blogging the only way out?
Still, thanks everyone for understanding...
Feel a certain joy now, even though the dark and gloomy rain clouds are still hanging, I guess they are there for a purpose, and will be there to stay for as long as I need them.
A friend told me to thank God for trying times, because it is only when God sees you fit enough for the test that he allows you to be tested.
I wish I had taken it with greater faith, and not hurt so many people in the process.
I hope you forgive me, I hope He forgives me, which makes today's sermon on the unforgiving servant so much more timely...
To understand forgiveness is one thing, to experience the need for forgiveness, another
p.s.: To all of you who read my previous (short-lived) entry, especially if you inevitably interpreted it with respect to yourself, I'm very sorry for my misconduct, and gross generalisation. I was just bitter at God, and took grudge against Him for some personal issues. I hope you are kind enough to forgive me, at least, for your own and for God's sake, for I'm not worthy to ask this of you.
But what can one do when one is so down, sad, and low, and no one wants to spend time to listen? Isn't blogging the only way out?
Still, thanks everyone for understanding...
Feel a certain joy now, even though the dark and gloomy rain clouds are still hanging, I guess they are there for a purpose, and will be there to stay for as long as I need them.
A friend told me to thank God for trying times, because it is only when God sees you fit enough for the test that he allows you to be tested.
I wish I had taken it with greater faith, and not hurt so many people in the process.
I hope you forgive me, I hope He forgives me, which makes today's sermon on the unforgiving servant so much more timely...
To understand forgiveness is one thing, to experience the need for forgiveness, another
p.s.: To all of you who read my previous (short-lived) entry, especially if you inevitably interpreted it with respect to yourself, I'm very sorry for my misconduct, and gross generalisation. I was just bitter at God, and took grudge against Him for some personal issues. I hope you are kind enough to forgive me, at least, for your own and for God's sake, for I'm not worthy to ask this of you.
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