One day trip to Melacca

!!Warning, long post ahead!!

Just back from Tampin trip just two days ago, which held adventures of its own (cf: Simon's Blog); I joined my old school friends on yet another 1 day trip, this time, to Melacca. Looks like trips are getting further and further, preparing me for the next Penang trip?

Anyway, we left around 9:30, after breakfast. Headed right for Melacca. The 8 of us went in 2 cars. There were 2 couples, both guys drove a car, and us 4 bachelor boys tagged along. Chee Wei and I in one, and the other 2 in the other. It was such a get together, a long time since form 5, where the 3 of us guys used to sit at the back of the class, joined 3 tables together and terrorise the teacher. But this time, one of us brought a girlfriend...

First stop, visit the red houses. I'm not sure why did they want to be such a tourist, looking at the St Paul's cathedral, I thought we have seen that a million times. But then again, the 2 couples seemed to enjoy having their photos shot again and again, so I guess being in a relationship makes all the old and boring places seem interesting again. Somehow when you are being there with someone special, it changes the whole perspective of things. I amused myself looking at all the tourist, esp the bunch of Taiwanese, enjoying themselves with the 2 locals, performing on the guitar for token. They were good, singing all the Chinese songs to impress our tourist. They can't even speak Chinese, but I must say, they sang Chinese very impressively.

Anyway, I didn't have anyone special, so I didn't really find anything interesting, except once in a while helping to take a photo or two of the celebrity couples, trying all sorts of weird poses, trying to get as close to each other as possible. I'm sure if it were possible, they'd want to superimpose themselves on each other, at the rate they were going. In a few years to come, they'll be trying to pull themselves away from each other, yet wanting the bond to be closer. Not sure how it works, but I guess it's like clockwork, you don't need to know how it works in all its complexity, all you need to know is that you can trust it to work.

Lunch was at a small, relatively secluded nyonya stall. I'm not sure how, but there seems to be a lot of people going to that stall, despite its small size and relative unattractiveness. Laksa there was uniquely fragrant, soothing to the tongue, yet very amusing to the senses. Even the cendol there seems to be very "cendol", rendering the rest of the cendol I've ever tasted "un-cendol-ish". It has the right aroma of coconut juice, and sweetened with the best gula melaka. Which is, after all, what Melacca is famous for producing. Gula Melaka elsewhere in Malaysia taste more like brown coloured sugar when compared to the one from Melacca.

What followed was a 6 hours walk throughout Dataran Pahlawan and Mahkota Parade. The former being very new, even I haven't seen it before. I enjoyed the maze of a walk it offered, being quite huge, covering the whole undergroud area of what used to be the Dataran Pahlawan field. We split into 3 groups, both couples went their own way, leaving us bachelor group to slowly but surely sweep through the whole shopping mall, taking in as much sights as possible. After all, it's free to look at and occasionally touch the merchandise.

For dinner, those people insisted that they DO NOT want the Melacca chicken ball rice, so we ended up in the "satay celup" stall. It was most interesting, and very unique. I will never get a chance to try this with my family or anyone else, since it's so famous, we need to wait almost an hour to get sitted, the queue extending even up to the road. But remember the "couple effect"? Where you make seemingly illogical decisions just for the excitement of it? Well, they thought it was worth it. And if you love food as much as me... well, I thought it may just be worth one try. Though it helped that I didn't really have any choice, me against 7 other persons with their minds set.

GOOD food! :-)
Prawn Dive!!!
The shop everyone must try...
After dinner, they decided to go take a ride on the eye on Malaysia. My first impression of it was, it was rather small, in fact, tiny, after all the big publicity it has been given. I'm not sure if that feeling has anything to do with having already seen the HUGE Singapore flyer. Anyway, it was a much cheaper ride than expected. Only RM8 for MyKad AND student card holder. Much to my delight, the NUS student card got accepted right away, and I'm off to the eye after paying my RM8. It wasn't much of a sight, what can you see in Melacca anyway? But they sure made it worth the ride by giving us 8 whole rounds, with the exciting feel of shaking halfway in mid-air. The cabin is even air-conditioned! I sure think it's worth my RM8. My friend said that it used to be only 3 rounds back when it was located in Titiwangsa, so I guess I got lucky. Hmm, I'm so going to take a ride on the Singapore flyer, gotta be so cool!

And if you think that's about all the excitement you can have for a day, there's still the large (by large I mean REALLY LARGE) cup of concentrated fruit juice for RM2. Yes, RM 2, any fruit, whether it's carrot, watermelon, honeydew, and yes, even BANANA! And if you add RM1, you'll get an even HUGER cup of fruit juice which according to our host, you'll feel like vomiting before you can finish it. Yup, they don't add a lot of water into the juice like they do in Singapore. Thanks to Woon Soon, who's hostel is just a stone throw's away, for bringing us there. Ah, guess you don't get cheap mamak stall like this in Singapore, I sure miss them.

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Today went with my sister to Jusco to get her a shoe, one that she can wear to the Philharmonic Orchestra. It is only now that I realise how difficult it is for a girl to choose a shoe. I mean, if I wanted a shoe, I'll just go to the shop, try out a few, see if it fits, and buy. But problem is, not of the shoes in the outlet seemed to look decent on her, and she have to search and search until she found one that look o.k. on her long, thin legs. Anyway, she found one that's classy enough to be considered "smart casual", yet not too high to make her already high centre of gravity even higher. I didn't even get to look for my friend's Christmas presents. Anyway, it's still quite an experience.

3 Core Finals in 3 Days

So it's over, the last of my core module final exams, running consecutively since wednesday.

EE2011, EE2004, then EE2005.

I must say today was the best day, I actually felt good about myself. Though I answered only slightly more than 50% of the total number of questions, I was quite satisfied, because at least I am sure I have got the required knowledge of the module, and can concentrate on the advanced aspect later during the holidays, shouldn't be too difficult

EE2011 was a pain, the first question was so...gah... I think the lecturer likes coaxial cables, the question looked like something slightly complex yet easily solvable, but after a few unsuccessful attempts, I decided to move on. The question was somehow twisted in a way that, erm, is so twisted. No hope there. I think I answered about 50% of the questions in that paper though.

EE2004 was the worse, I only managed about 40% of the total marks, so I guess that will be somewhere near a C.

Ah, I guess I will have to take this as a lesson for future semesters, to keep up with lectures and tutorials, and constantly feel the stress and study throughout the semester.

And not get involved in exhausting emotional journeys that totally make studying impossible. But then again, is that a matter of choice?

Ah, it's also in this very "exciting" and mortally stressful time that I come to realise how blessed I am to have good friends being so concerned. I underestimated my friends, felt so sorry...

I miss home, I need to de-stress... 3 core modules back to back can really stress me out...

But I thank God for how I fare in the exam all the same.

Looking forward to Marketing and GEM next week!

2 days from first exam

Argh... So little time, so much to study, and I really need to change my sleep pattern...

I don't know what to do already, there is still so much to study, so little time, and my exams are just round the corner. Study whole night in McD yesterday, was quite fruitful, apart from the fact that I was so tired I kept falling asleep. But I managed to finish one module, at least by now. But there's still 2 more to go, and I haven't wrote my formula sheet for one...

Church today was long, I somehow managed to keep awake throughout the whole sermon, at least, I think I did. I still remember what it is about, so I guess I did stay awake, though I may have miss chunks of it without knowing :p

But at least, I'm glad I actually pulled my self out of bed to go to church (with some help), else it would have been a really dry week of just studying, and feeling depressed.

Just feel like reading the psalms all the time, they are so comforting and encouraging. Argh... You know the situation is really bad when you start praying ever so often...

Anyway, it's just one more tiring week before it's all over, for the semester...

Study week begins

Just discovered Mc Donald's is the best place to study between 12am to 4am. Just don't forget to bring along a jacket.

Fries are a nice plus, especially if you ask then not to put salt, and ask for BBQ sauce or the like.

Ok, enough about food, studies is starting, although it's not quite going as fast as I expect it to be, and it's really too slow for comfort, at least it's moving.

There sre so many things up my list of to-dos, I can't really do them until exams is over, but just to get it off my mind...

• Install Stationery Pack 2.0
• Create a BD video for Alex, SY, and EH (yup, sorry Alex, but that will have to wait, meanwhile, entertain yourself with the pictures that you helped put the caption for)
• Similar to the above, learn Motion 3 and Final Cut to make the long awaited video...
• Continue working on my MacSplit program.
• Deploy Windows Server 2008 for Compcomm
• Dissect Forum Manager phpBB2
• Try out Small Basic programming from Microsoft

Wow, looks like a whole fat list! Not sure if I can get it done before I go back to Malaysia...

Meanwhile, to all the NUS students... JIAYOU!!!

Relief

Has been a hard weekend, somehow feel so exhausted emotionally, but there's a spring in the middle of the desert, now am refreshed and recovered, but somehow, the mood to study is gone. Ah, alas, seems like maybe I'll do badly this semester again. Just feel that time is so short, and there's no point rushing and mugging now....

Anyway, there was a triple birthday celebration yesterday night. Alex, Swee Yee, and Ee Hiang. As usual, let the pictures do the talking :-)

"母爱"

I was on the MRT back today, and there was a loud lady rattling to and old lady about her family. She went on and on in Mandarin about how a mother's love is the best. Sounds like a touching story, but it's actually quite the contrary. See, she was the mother, and she was talking about her love for her kids, that in itself is already quite hard on the ears, and she had to say it out LOUD.

Anyway, she said that mothers are the only ones who knows how to love their kids, while fathers only work, and sleep. And if that's not enough, they expect their wives to be understanding and listen to their complains about their job, as if one whole day of fussing over mischievous children is not enough for her.

I think she's a little bitter, or she can't forgive her husband for some reason. But then again, what she said is sometimes, quite true, in certain cases. How many Dads sincerely love their kids, spend time with their kids, being a role model to them? Did all the understanding, concern and communication died off the moment they got married? or was it even there in the first place?

Sometimes, especially in the early stages of my life, when my dad was still quite young and inexperienced, I felt that he wasn't showing me a good example too. It is so important that father show a good example in the way they treat their wives, and likewise for wives. If all a kid see is abuse, then he's gonna think "if that's the way father treats mother, now that I'm a father, I should treat my wife likewise". It even affects the way we treat members of the other gender too...

Of course, I can't just blame my dad. I can see he's sincerely learning, and improving by the day, and THAT is what I want to learn from him. But if it's not because he's always making time to spend with us, keeping communication channels opened in the house (and not letting the TV or computer flood the channel), I will never be able to see and learn the more subtle aspects of his character. As with all human nature, it's so easy to see the negative aspect of a person, but to appreciate the good sides, it takes love, understanding, and communication...

Well, if the cycle is there, how can we break it? I am still yet to be able to answer that question, but with God's help, I shall pray for God's grace to live a life in the way that gives Glory to God.

Which is really part of what I read today in my quiet time, and also very similar to what Simon talked about in BS yesterday. That we should mourn, be meek, because we know we can't live a Righteous life with our own strength. And it is in our failures that God's glory shall shine in our lives.

I think the past month have really been a failure,

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the kingdom of heaven"

and I still can't get over my mourning for what I've done.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted"

The beatitudes is really bringing me somewhere, I have read it time and again, but it has now taken on a new meaning...

Picking up after myself

Just a random thought.

Been picking up after myself lately, trying to get back to a normal life, after merely existing for a few months, being so depressed that I'd just lie on bed waiting for the day it all finally come to an end...

Realise that so much have changed. I'm so used to doing nothing, not caring about anything at all, nothing matters to me, don't need to eat, don't need to study, don't need to worry about offending anyone (who cares anyway). Now, the responsibilities of life suddenly appeared to be heavy on me. I've suddenly become totally insensitive, for the first time in life, I offend people without a second thought...

Argh, sad state, I wish it never came to this stage, this is so different even I can't recognise myself...

Feel so lonely, feel so tired, so heavy, so hard to stand up again and get back on track...

Hall activities feels like a heavy burden, but yet, it's the only thing left to live for.... :-(

It's better to hold back your words...

Was so tired and irritated, did something really bad today, wished I was dumb, wished I didn't even wake up...

Argh, I'm so so sorry, but what can I do. There's no turning back time...

Don't wanna loose a friend... :-(

Tirza's Birthday

Let the pictures do the talking

Cleaning up the aftermath

Looking back at the past month or so, it was really a dark period of my life. Everything seemed to go wrong, getting depressed very often, I practically felt like I was merely existing, not living...

Anyway, there's always a time for getting up again, and facing the reality. It's never easy, so I didn't expect it to be. But this is much worse than I thought. I've left a mess of myself, like a desolate town, in the movies you watch, like Osgiliath from LOTR.

But I have decided, and nothing's gonna change that. I know that I may not have what I want, I may not be as comfortable as some others. Still, all I will need is faith, and trust.

Conditions looked rather bleak. I just ran through the amount of studies I need to catch up on, lecture notes that I have not even downloaded from ivle, let alone seen it before... If there's a time to start, this will be the best time.

Looking at it from right here where I am, it seems like there's no way I'm gonna pull through this semester with decent grades. But then again, I have a hope, because I know God still haven't not give up on me, even when I myself gave up. I still have my family and friends praying for me, and I know that's more than I need already.

It's a very nice feeling, to know that you are not alone, to know that there's someone bigger than the world on your side. It's like fighting a war with hope even though from our point of view, you'll never be able to win it.

Somehow I feel the energy to carry on, much akin to the hobbits going to war in Mordor. There strength yet to fight because they knew that at the end of the day, they have the shire to return to, and the sheer thought of that keeps them going on.

Well, I have a shire to return to also. And this is a much better place, where no one can destroy, unlike the shire. And whatever happens here on earth, it's alright. I'll go on, because at the end of the day, we shall return to heaven, and that will be joy forever!

Post deleted

I realised that since I have no way to express myself without hurting anyone, I just won't.

But what can one do when one is so down, sad, and low, and no one wants to spend time to listen? Isn't blogging the only way out?

Still, thanks everyone for understanding...

Feel a certain joy now, even though the dark and gloomy rain clouds are still hanging, I guess they are there for a purpose, and will be there to stay for as long as I need them.

A friend told me to thank God for trying times, because it is only when God sees you fit enough for the test that he allows you to be tested.

I wish I had taken it with greater faith, and not hurt so many people in the process.

I hope you forgive me, I hope He forgives me, which makes today's sermon on the unforgiving servant so much more timely...

To understand forgiveness is one thing, to experience the need for forgiveness, another

p.s.: To all of you who read my previous (short-lived) entry, especially if you inevitably interpreted it with respect to yourself, I'm very sorry for my misconduct, and gross generalisation. I was just bitter at God, and took grudge against Him for some personal issues. I hope you are kind enough to forgive me, at least, for your own and for God's sake, for I'm not worthy to ask this of you.

I Believe You by Low Kay Hua

Hmm.. There's still some ppl out there asking me for an online version of this book. Don't really wanna put the link on my blog, but...

The story is quite cheesy, typical singaporean drama type... Don't think it's worth buying the book proper, considering that you get this kind of cliché stories on channel 8 and mobile tv all the time.

But still, it's kinda touching, to see them come together... hahaha...

So here you go, the PDF version of this book (The FULL version, mind you), but password protected. You'll need adobe reader 7 or later (or compatible) to open this file. Look for the password in this blog. :-)

rNxk3I5mHWW8RxcMNip0p7Gn6n858WT.pdf (The filename was INTENTIONALLY scrambled up to evade search engines :-)

Please leave your comments if you like the story. You're free to discuss your feelings about the story here.

You'll just need an openID (livejournal, wordpress, anything will do) to comment.

Webcast!!!

Time is running fast, it's already week 3! This reminds me, I was very busy with BOP and compcomm lately, and it's about time to start studying really hard.

There was a Saturday lecture, which is 3 HOURS LONG! Somehow it didn't make sense to attend the lecture, since falling asleep there after 2 hours of intense brain work won't make it worth while to go, and there will be a webcast anyway, so I decided to webcast it in easier-to-stomach bits of one hour chunks.

While webcasting using VLC player, I discovered something, VLC can import the whole stream and save it to the computer! Cool!

Now I can play the webcast again and again without worrying about network giving me problems or slow loads. I can even play the video in QuickTime™, the best all-in-one practical media software in the world! I can play it at 2X, or even 3X, and still be able to understand what the lecturer is saying, which is a good thing, because this lecturer talks very slowly, and has long pauses in between...

Well, here's what I did: (Copying/Importing Video Streams Using VLC)

1. Open the stream in VLC (click on the small macintosh icon on the webcast page)
2. Go to File | Streaming/Exporting Wizard
3. Select Transcode/Save to File, Next
4. Choose the Stream you are streaming from the Existing Playlist Item, Click Next
5. Transcode both Audio and Video (I recommend H.264, a superb video encoder, bitrate 512 should do it; and MPEG-4 audio, AAC - great, bitrate 64 will be fine for audio)
6. Of course, choose MP4 as the container, duh!

Then you are ready to go! Wait for it to stream slowly (1x speed, since it's streaming, any faster may cause the server to suspect)

Well, so much for today, I will be enjoying my webcast! Byes!

Eventful Day

Today has been one of the more eventful Sundays of the year. Rachel wanted to go to Chinatown to sight-see, so JM brought a bunch of us from campus group. As usual, we had the famous Chinese Traditional dessert.

By the time I reached hall, it was after 4. I thought I needed to sleep since that we were having a birthday celebration at night, but you know, Instant Messages pop up just when you don't need them. Anyway, I got stuck on msn for an hour...:S

Thiong Bahru Plaza was a convinient place for me to meet Wing Mei, at least, on my part, since I have been going there many times, when visiting Lisa. Four Leaves bread was just a Darn Good Bread, especially if one skipped his dinner, (needed the rest very much, packed schedule). Ate on the way while walking with Wing Mei to the bus stop.

And as with all walking with company, there'll always be some talking, by the time we reached RH, we were so happy that we went singing all the kiddo songs, me playing the guitar, and wingmei beaming away!

For all the happy events, I shall give this day a 4.5 out of 5 rating!

~ by Rose Stokes ~

Interesting Perspective...

Some pray to marry the man they love,
my prayer will somewhat vary:
I humbly pray to Heaven above
that I love the man I marry.
~ by Rose Stokes ~

Settled down...

It really was a long break from blogging. I went to Penang with Gideon, Wing Mei, and Serene. the 4 of us, made a good number, especially when it comes to taking cab.

Well, I must say we really had a fun time, went to Batu Ferringhi Beach, had lots and lots of food, Durians, and Cendol. It was actually quite romantic too, for the two of them (Gideon and Wing Mei). Along the way, we started a new fad, whenever you need some private time, just say "We need to go out and buy something."

The whole Penang trip was wonderfully wrapped up with a Charcoal fire, used mainly to roast Marshmellows (Wing Mei's eye's brightens here) and to set the...ahem...atmosphere.

There was a guitar, wanted Boss to sing for his girl, but unfortunately someone was too shy. It so happened I played and sang "La Bamba", and Daniel pulled both girls out to dance, after long hesitation, Boss followed suit. What entails was almost 2 hours of fast, catchy songs that the four of them danced to. I did try my hand at dancing (actually it was less tha. 30 seconds, Serene was forfeited, and I thought she'd be too shy to dance alone).

Back at Raffles, I got the key to my new room! Slept one night in ChaoYian's (empty) room, since it was a Sunday, and the office is closed. The whole Monday was spent cleaning up my new room, and moving my stuff over. It took more than 10 trips, 3 or 4 or which Jerome was helping me. But I finished and wrapped up at 2am.

The Result? A nice cosy room, which much more real estate than my previous double room! Ahhh, I shall really enjoy this room!

Traumatising Thursday

I know it's a weird title, but ignore it for the moment, as the day part of my Thursday was quite interesting after all.

I went back to Seremban last Sunday, and stayed till yesterday, for my friend's birthday celebration. We had a nice dinner, and a nice cake for him, celebration was fun as usual, and we had photo session almost the same as we did for mine.

The cake was good, much better than any other I have tasted from Secret Recipe. Guess where it's from? Yup, you got it, Secret Recipe!

Dinner was awesome too, we called so many dishes, I have to actually have a phase 2 to clean up all the food that weren't finish on the table. It was one of those days where I ate a lot, a whole lot. I have phase 3 and phase 4 was primarily birthday cake, yup, I ate almost a quarter of the cake, since all of them were too stuffed to stuff in anymore.



Ok, so fast forward to Thursday morning, since the other days were just nothingness, idle times spent at home thinking, and maybe a little housework and studying in between. I woke up early on Thursday, 6:30 am, to leave for Subang Jaya to meet up with Jerome. Well, my bus will be leaving for Singapore in the afternoon, so i decided to visit him, then shoot straight back to Seremban bus station to catch the bus back.

Well, we played a really interesting game called "Blokus", where each color has to place a tile which has to touch the corner of a tile of the same color. Tiles come in different shapes and size, and of different area. Each player takes a color, and start from their respective corners, all attempting to explore unconquered land, the person who lays the most area of tiles wins. But there is one catch, a tile cannot have it's edges align parallel to each other, only the corners must touch, but not the edges.


Well, this is the result of our play, I was Yellow and Red, while Jerome was Green and Blue. As you can see, both of us emphasised the Green and Red to win, while the Yellow and Blue were used mainly to cripple the other party. Anyway, I still won on both scores, wondering if Jerome wasn't really paying attention, since it's my first time, and deciding to take it easy with me. :-)

Well, Jerome had a giraffe, it has magnets in all four ends of its limbs, and one at the bottom of its belly. As you can see, you can put it into many interesting position, shy, climbing, hugging, etc.





Reached Beach road 10 minutes past 10. It was really quite a rowdy area, especially at night, things can be quite, erm... scary. I was so thankful that I came here not long ago with Gail for OMC collection. Boy, OMC really helped me a lot as far as navigating in Singapore is concerned. I knew exactly which direction to walk to, and where the bus stop is for bus 197 to get me right next to NUS. Plus point? I saved a lot on transport.

On the way back to RH, from SRC, I saw beautiful lights set up for the commencement day! It was just so elegant!!! Blue with gold sparkles (read that as tungsten yellow), but it is just, classy... see for yourself!


Reached my room, not knowing what nightmare shall ensue. My bed was infested by bed bugs! I mean, I have seen 1 or 2 before, but this is like practically crawling over the bed!!! (I shall not put any pictures here, or everyone will be running away from RH, or room 5-101) Oh, spend the next 2 hours cleaning up, and making sure my clothes and other cloth materials will not get infected. It is not until 2 before i was satisfied that the bed bugs were safely quarantined to the matress, and I shall report it to Siew Teng later on. I couldn't possibly sleep in my own room, so I had no choice but to bunk up in Thierry's room. Poor guy, don't know where is he going to sleep...

What a bad ending to such a nice day :-(

2 Cups of Coffee

Two cups of coffee can wreck quite a havoc to one's sleep pattern, especially if one has been abstaining from coffee for almost 2 years...

This is what I realised early this morning.

Saturday was such an enjoyable day. Simon brought us out to Outram to try a famous nasi lemak, but unfortunately that stall was closed as it was a Saturday. We had very nice fish soup, and lunch was paid for, which was such a delight. Simon then went on to advertise the coffee in a stall called "Rafee House". So I had my first cup of coffee then.

Later, Uncle Ivan treated us to dinner at Holland V's XO fish mee hoon. I do not know what got into me, I decided to order another cup of coffee. Maybe it was the stress, but there was my second cup of coffee, together with free dinner. Oh, and the XO mee hoon was very nice, very strong alcohol taste too. I drank at least 2 bowls full, just because I thought it would help relax the mind...

Indeed a wonderful day, free breakfast cum lunch, and free dinner, I decided to bring my total expenses of that day even lower by opting to walk back to RH from Holland V. Saving 89¢ gave a very nice feeling, but the walk back was even nicer!

Well, it is no wonder I was still alert and wide awake at 4am. Somehow, the headache and all the tiredness of the body brought me to sleep by 4:20 or so. I woke up at 8am today, no alarm clock, just an sms. In fact, now at 1pm, I'm on the bus back, I'm still wide awake and totally alert, in full anticipation of my friend's 21st birthday celebration tonight, which is also the main reason I am going back to Seremban all of a sudden, without any planning.

Grace

God is trying to teach me so many things, in such a short time. I don't know what He has in mind, but he seem to turn all the circumstances in my life, not just one aspect, but in every possible aspect that I care for, in such a way that I am either forced to trust Him, and learn of His great love, or give up, and loose hope in Christianity.

I take refuge in this song, which GLCC will be singing tomorrow, for I know that He is still in control.

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me,
Your hand will protect me. I rest in Your care.
Your eyes will watch over me. Your love will forgive me,
And when I am faltering, I still will find You there.

Inner Unrest... Christmas Play Recruitment

I have been through this feeling many times, but this is the first time I really put into words this kind of feelings.

Inner unrest is what I call it. It is when I feel an unavoidable need to spend time with myself, to think, to debate and reason with myself, or just to be alone with myself, let my thoughts rise within my head, and argue with myself till I am satisfied.

This feeling is rather peculiar. Most people will tell you of the reluctance of parting with loved ones, employing excuses to delay the actual leaving of each other's company, especially so when it is short and few in between. But today, a feeling came upon me that I do not want to haste the time where I should reach my destination, cherishing the moment I have alone, walking through the cooling pathway with lush greens on my left, gentle breeze caressing my face.

At the traffic light crossing, it is a habit for me to cross when there are no more cars within sight, even if the red man is still bright overhead. But today, I felt reluctant to do the usual, and thus bringing closer the time where I shall return to my room again, and be faced with the 4 walls of room 5-101.

Couples may find joy and romance in taking a stroll down a nice path, or by the sandy beach, but this time, I delighted in enjoying the journey with myself, the "romance" so to speak, of enjoying the nature God has created, intertwined with civilisation and concrete structures to make the picture complete. It is so delightful I can't explain even to myself, that I should be more fulfilled walking alone thus than with someone I consider dear.

I wished I could share the company of God, walking in prayer, and pouring my heart out to Him. That, however, didn't happen. I do not yet consider Him as close to share my deepest thoughts, most personal desires. It may be analogous to my earthly father, as much as I love him for what he has done for me, I have not shared my deepest desires, darkest thoughts with him. He is a figure of respect, fear, and a model, but not the personal friend that I will share my life with. In fact, to be exact, I do not have any friends so close that I will share my personal thoughts with, I do not see anyone that genuinely cares enough for me to open my heart to.

And so it is with God. Somehow, I can't imagine someone so Magnificent, Respected, and Feared, to be so personal, caring, and close in a way I could talk to Him as a friend, and share my struggles with. There is no example, nothing for the imagination to build on, but rather, a whole new concept that I have to build upon myself, with only the Word of God as my guide. I long for a friend, a lover to share my struggles with, and Jesus says He is the answer.

I am still anxious, apprehensive, like a child will be when he first touch the water in the child's pool. He sees that it is fun, his friend tells him it's fun, and joy is written on all the faces of the kids playing in the pool. But still he is unsure, still he puts his feet in one step, and withdraws it again, thinking, perhaps, that he may not be like the other kids, he may not have some skills they have, that he is not good enough for the water. It is new, it is foreign, there are risks, he has no experience.

When the kid finally goes in to join the group, he will pick up quickly enough, then fun and excitement will ensue. So it is with me. I should have the faith to take the first step. I do not know how to pray, or how to walk closer to Him, but I know that there is always a first time, and the reward is worth the try.

---

Christmas musical plans are already laid on the table. Uncle Ivan has already began his "outreach" to enlist the help of the campus group. I wish so much to help, but I am held back by commitments.

There will be a professional director this time round, graduated from The States. It will be so interesting, I wished I could just assist, or tag along and learn more about the art of directing. It will definitely be a eye-opening exposure.

But I question my motives to serve. Am I serving God? Or is this just for personal satisfaction, to satisfy my curiosity and interest in directing? It sounds fun, it looks very ambitious and challenging, but are my intentions right?

I see this as a great opportunity to see God working through the whole team. We are expecting an audience 3000 strong, adding up both sessions. I don't see how we can do this humanly, and I want to witness His power and working through our faithful Uncle Ivan.

I really need to pray that whatever small role I will be dealing with, I can commit it to God, and serve not for my self gratification, but for my love for Him. I do not know why I never feel what I should feel, why I always serve because it's fun and not because I want to serve. But I pray that he should put me in the right spirit, that I should gain a joy far greater than self appraisal.

To God be the Glory.

Oh, to be save from myself... Much thought about relationships

Again, I was brought to the end of the road, at the cliff, almost succumbing to temptation. No, the temptation I'm talking about is not a big one, it's not even obvious, it is just a mental struggle, just me not wanting to have thoughts unrighteous.

For it is said that God judge not by what we do, but by what is in the heart, and no matter how we try, no one can live up to His law. For even the thought of covetousness is as bad as stealing.

No, my problem is not that I covet, not at the moment to be more specific. But I have entertain a small imagination of mine, while having a long discussion on sensitive topics. I decided to give myself some "slack", just a short thought, and it's not what people would consider wrong in anyway, in fact, it is actually quite academic in nature, an open discussion to find a conclusion, to have a more accurate idea of what people think, to honestly study the matter about how the human behaviour is motivated, and how people react.

Still, here's the result of my thinking (and long discussions with Thùy, drawing experience from an average girl who's not a Christian, hopefully a good sample of an average person in the Singaporean Society), and much to my amusement, I am actually putting into words something which I already know, but never thought that it can stand as an argument.

Time spent together when one is in a relationship, can actually be very fruitless, a total waste of time. As I started talking about it with others, I realise that when one is "in love" one tends to try to spend as much time together as possible, and hopefully get pleasure out of that time, but more often than not, it ends up with both parties not satisfied and wanting more, it's like there's a constant mentality that the will be satisfied from the time spent together (hence the motivation of that behaviour), but than after it, they realise that it's not as much as they expected it to be, and then decide that they want even more, which could lead to many consequences, but the most common being continuing to be together at the expense of so many other things that could have been done, and then realising at the end of the year that a whole year has passed, and so many other things in life which could have been achieved (which they want to achieve) was not achieved, all because of this idle time wasting. And to say that they have got to know each other better, I don't think that really happens either, as both will be putting on their best for the other, and that will lead to distorted conclusions...

It sometimes is so hard to give a yes or no answer about dating. Is it right? Does it help in any way? Is it really as fulfilling as they make it to be? Is it better to skip that and go straight to engagement? Such studies are quite interesting, if one practice distantiation, and objectively collect data and come to a conclusion by logical deduction instead of using one's own emotions.

A more interesting question will be is there a way to make dating healthy, more beneficial, and actually help build a stronger family? Is there a way to make the process honour God and work towards the furtherance of His kingdom? Is it possible to determine whether he/she is the right person for you through the dating process?

I have very different values and ideals from Thùy about romance. I somehow put more emphasis on the emotional, and of course the spiritual part. Still it is surprising to find out that we are still so much the same, needing that love to fill that void built into all of us. I know only God can fill that void, but I am still seeking for that to happen. Sometimes, being a Christian is so much more faith than feelings, but somehow, I seem to be so much more controlled by feelings than faith. The facts are there, but it is so hard to accept, especially when God seems silent.

I do not know why am I blogging about all these... there are so many things I want to express, want to say out. It's a test of my patience to keep to myself that which is not for the ears of the public....

Salmon Cajun & Life beyond Romance

Wow, I had a nice helping to Salmon Cajun in Fish & Co. Yesterday night since it's my cousin, Lisa's birthday. The meal was sumptuous, and satisfying is an understatement. Beyond that, I topped it up with a Choc Milk Shake too! Wow, I don't think I will ever have any dinner so rich in Singapore for a very very long time! (The Bill topped up to more than $200)

My cousin sister... 24 already, likes children, pretty and has a nice figure, caring and understanding, God-fearing, but still SINGLE... Whoa, very eligible Bachelor, but thankfully, her parents are not pressuring (read: obviously hinting) her to get a boyfriend or something (unlike mine, or some others). Hehe, though she may be starting to feel it's time soon, or at least, almost time...hahahaha, but she's doing what a girl should do, wait for God to send someone... Still, no harm for me to advertise a little here....hahaha... Her elder brother (25) already has a girlfriend younger than me by a year, and I should think that her younger brother (3 years my junior) might have one (secretly) or at least will have one soon. Well, it's easy to think of those things when one is financially stable, and are free of worries (esp that of NUS students)...

I was too tired to head back to RH, so I decided to spend the night with my cousins in Tiong Bahru, where I can have a nice good sleep for once (with aircond, nice mattress, warm comforter, and a huge, soft pillow). Woke up early the next morning, had chocolate cake for breakfast (leftover from the birthday party), and had to rush back on the bus to RH so that I can reach by 10 for OMC duty ... or so I thought. Turns out, OMC will only be working from 2pm today! WHAT?!? I should have just give them a miss, and continued my nice cosy sleep!

Well, continue the sleep I did, after getting over the initial palpitation and adrenaline rush of trying to make it to hall on time, and attending to the hall website modification which was quite urgent...

Only to be woken up yet again because someone needed me to print something... but then, this one, cannot complain la, sensitive...

Bible study was nice, Simon leading this time. We had a short sharing about the sermon on the mount. I was reminded of something I learnt recently, that we can not by our own strength be good Christians, it is only by God's help that we can work towards Godliness...

So many things I learnt, yet I'm so lazy to blog it down, I wish I had more time in my hands, so many things are pressing me now, especially the all important sleep.

Oh, and Gail pijak me today, after a long time of "peace". Just when I thought she has finally grown, matured, or changed for the better... It's like when I thought there was a gleam of hope... Hahaha, some people are just made to be....themselves!!!

The sudden cliff after the peak

My emotional graph to a heaviside-like downturn today. (for those of you who don't know what a heaviside function is, it basically means a verticle slope where a graph suddenly falls to 0, as though it is turned off in a split second)

But still, I found this phrase in Huei Weun's blog, just when I needed it most.

"Love when it's hard, work as if it's the last day of work."

I don't understand how does that apply to me, but I like the part that says, love when it's hard. It doesn't say love when it's easy to love, when it pleases you to love, but love when it's hard, when no one else can love. Love when you do not receive love in return, love when all you are getting is hate, love even when the other person don't even seem to care, love even when it means you have to give up yourself, give up your desires and dreams...

Hah, I still don't understand what I am talking about. I hope I do, but if I do, then I won't need to blog about it at all...

Still, I like the phrase I saw on somewhere:

"He is no fool to give up that which he cannot keep, that he may gain that which he cannot loose."

You can never outgive the Father

This Sunday is remarkably one of the best Sundays I have had in my life. First, it started off with french toast in the morning, I woke up at 6:30 early in the morning to prepare for that. There were for of us present (Tirza, Gail, Wayne and myself). And we had a great time 'toasting'.

Halfway in church, I received an sms from auntie jocelyn asking me to call back when I'm ready to talk to her. Turns out she wants me to help tutor her son in Sec 3, and interest him in his studies. I am not sure if I am capable of delivering, but I will just try my best, and hope God brings up the best in him. She offered to pay my quite well, I was quite taken aback, not sure if I am able to live up to that pay. But God help me, that I will be able to be a good influence in the life of this friend.

This news was such a joy, I do not know how to explain my gratefulness to God for bringing him into my life, and to provide in the time when I needed it most. I now know that finance should never be a worry, for God my father is not a poor God, and if we honour Him, He will honour us. We just have to be faithful in our walk with Him, and be an obedient servant.

Later at night, Tirza, Gail, and I went for dinner at the Bukit Timah food court. It was also quite a nice change from the NUS food we have been eating everyday, so far. We tapao-ed the famous Satay Mee Hoon for Swee Yee, hoping to share this delightful delicacy with her.

Of course, at night, I waited for Mable to come online to chat, as I promised her on Saturday night. And that in itself, is such a joy! Yet another youth that I could perhaps be a good influence? :-)

101% Happy!

A very interesting title indeed. I actually got the idea from Mable's MSN nickname. Well, here's a recount of my nice Saturday.

First, Gail had bubble tea, and I got over enthu about collecting straws for float that I "pinched" at least 4 green bubble tea straws and hid it in my pocket. Hehehe...

Then at night I talked to Mable (Gail's sister), and I just don't know why she was hyper, super happy. And she kept laughing and making me laugh... I have never met her in person before, and I know very well that online chatting, however much you talked about, will tell you nothing about that person.

However, this online persona of hers, was very pleasent, and direct. By direct, I mean that I somehow feel that she just blurts out her feelings. If she is happy, she says she's happy, and if she feels she don't like what you said, she just blurt out that she doesn't like you. The next moment, you said something kind, she'll just say she likes you for saying that...

I can actually learn so much just by her directness, in my blogging, my talking and explaining myself. I learn to be so much more honest to myself, to God, and in my desire to be a better Christian. My later personal blogs has seen such a huge improvement in terms honesty and clarity. I narrate, describe, and articulate in such a detailed way my feelings, shame, struggles, and ask God for help.

I'm more than 101% happy enjoying the chat with her. In fact I also have a greater joy that I have learn yet another simple lesson in life.

Playlist

After listening to that song on youtube, I decided to compile a playlist (yet again) of energetic songs, for times when I'm just lonely, and want something to make me feel....uplifted...:-)

Philippians 3:8

As a follow up for the previous blog, I love this song. A very hard song to sing indeed, if you really want to mean what the lyrics says...



All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.

Justin's Message for Bible Study

Today was such an eventful day. Just this morning, around 2-3am, I discovered my shameful attitudes, and decide to change, then at night, during bible study, Justin's message was so accurate and hit right home.

Today's Bible study was on Psalms 119:33-40

It is such a suitable passage, because it tells us so much about how David had to ask for God's help in understanding His word, how David had to ask God to make him walk in His command, and give him the eagerness for God's laws. He knows he cannot do it on his own, and he needs God's help to walk in the righteous path.

It encourages me so that even a faithful man like David needed constant help from God to keep himself in the right path, what more I?

There is so much I wish I could change, there are so many shortcoming that I wish weren't a part of me, but here they are, given to me as a blessing, that I may know of God's grace and power when He ultimately help me overcome all of these. Lord, reassure me of Your promise, made to those who fear You. Help me abandon my shameful ways, for Your regulations are good. I long to obey Your commandments! Renew my life with Your goodness.

I'm still struggling with my selfish desires, the things that I hold so dear to my heart. I know that I have to let it go, and count it as nothing compared to the love for God. It is also a blessing, that I should have something I cherish so dearly, that I find so hard to give up and let go for obedience to Christ. For what worth is a sacrifice if it be so easily given up. I can easily let go all to God but for the one thing that I hold dear as my OWN, at least there is still one thing that is MINE, and MINE alone. There is one thing I cherish more than and above all else, but God has to take that place, and it is a privilege that I should have something of such value to give up as my sacrifice for Him.

I'm not at all happy about it, in fact I am rebelling. I am running away from letting go. I am trying to dodge my responsibility of giving God TOTAL control of my life. I am stubbornly holding on to just that one thing, one thing that I can call MY OWN. All else that are less important, I can surrender with no complains. But He says that's not enough. He want's my all. Everything that is mine is His. I'm still struggling and praying that He helps me learn the joy of obeying His commands.

Restore unto me, the joy of Thy salvation, and reneweth Thy spirit within me...

Committing to Him

Life hasn't been as smooth sailing, at least, as I see it. But somehow, I know that God is still in control and I shall in all things, acknowledge Him, and He will make straight my path.

For committing to God is not something that comes naturally to me. I do not know how many times I have faced this dilemma. I know full well that it is written that God's plan is best for me, and that all things work for the good of those who loves Him. But easier said then done. There is in me, a primitive human desire to achieve what we think we want to achieve, and leaving things into God's hand will mean some sort of surrendering our control to Him. It is also a form of giving up my responsibility of planning my own life.

Somehow, this just does not tally with my principle, or habit, of being overly independent. Sometimes, there is also a worry that what God wants may not be the thing that I want, maybe because it gives me satisfaction, or the pleasure that I desire at that moment. How I need to be more trusting – not to be overly caught up with enjoying the icing and leaving no attention left for the rest of the cake, the bigger plan that He has for my life.

My prayer is no more, show me your plan, neither is it I entrust my life into Your hand, without actually being able to give Him my all. My prayer is now "Lord, help me to let go of my life, and be able to give You the wheel, to let You be in full control of my life. To commit all into Your hand, and not question your plans."

Oh how can I God's plan heed,
my own heart resist?
Oh how can I His plan live,
and not my own way insist?

For Thy ways are higher than my ways
Thy thoughts my thoughts,
Even if the world be mine, still I shall say
but for Thy way in me, all in naught.

Love is Patient, Live is Kind, it Slowly Makes One Loose His Mind; This is My Story, This is My Song

"Love is Patient, Live is Kind, Love Means Slowly Losing Your Mind." -How true!
(Taken from 27 Dresses, just random, I think I'm still a long way from losing my mind, so rest assured)

---

Fanny J Crosby was born normal, but lost her sight before she turned 1 due to wrong medication, and lost her dad after her first birthday. She wrote this:
"Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine,
Oh What a Foretaste of Glory Divine!"
It was so touching... She wrote her story with such hope
"This is My Story, This is My Song,
Praising My Saviour, All the Day Long!"
If I only have half the hope she had, whom, despite all the wrong things that could happen in her life, she still wrote such songs of faith!

Hope is the lighthouse of life
It is the incentive to succeed
It is the manifestation of faith...

New Blinds "Sweeps" Clean

Yay! Finally got my new blinds for my room. It's been almost a year now since I complained to the office about the faulty blinds. Now I can open and shut them, "sweep" them to one side, all with just a simple pull of a string.

Sadly, will only have 2 months left to use them, before I move into my new room, hopefully the blinds there are not faulty...:-)

Trip to West Coast Park

Sometimes it's just good to be alone.

I walked to WCP yesterday, had so many things occupying my mind, I decided to take some time off.

Called home, wanted to cheer myself up with my family's news...

But the most important part, and by far the majority of the trip there comprise of self inquiry, and prayers, meditation.

Recommitted myself to God, restructured my aim in life, and letting go of things that I once held dear, in exchange for living a life for His purpose.

I need more time for personal retreat. I think I need more quiet time, and the only place I can do it is somewhere with nobody I know. I must spend more time making appointment with myself, and not let anything get in its way...

Trip to JB, It's Complicated™ in Sinagpore

Had to pass some books to my dad who is coming down to JB, so I made the trip up to meet him. Went a day earlier and took advantage of the hospitality of my Aunt.

Well, she's finally back from Canada, so we had home cooked meals. Hooray!

Put up the night there, watching Slam Dunk with my cousin until 4am. It is no wonder I woke up at 10 am the next morning...

We initially wanted to photocopy the books, but none of the shops can do it in time for my dad to catch the bus back, so he had to bring the books back. It's all right, since I can extend the loan up to 6 weeks. Ah, the advantages of being a student at NUS.

Dad took me for lunch, which was chicken rice. And briefed my more about the routes around JB, as my map of JB is patchy, at best... Now I can safely and confidently bring my friends down to JB and show them around, or go look for GOOD food!

I'm still learning, hopefully I will get to drive more often in JB, and learn more about the road system there.

Interesting thing that happened was that we played badminton together today. Chao Yian, Zhi Jun, Dennis, JJ, and Jasvind. Was a great evening. Initially, I wanted to walk to West Coast Park to kill my boredom, and spend some time alone. Maybe I'll do it later...

Tirza's Status message was encouraging: "Happiness is to know the Saviour!" Guess I should be happy in all circumstances!

OMC First group outing I did...

First and second day on the job, I've already managed to source for cupcake cups, which was almost an instant yes from the sponsor company. Thank God for the smooth process that took no longer than 2 days.

And today, It was all so fun! We went out, to Tuas Industrial Area to collect pallets and egg trays, and fruit cushion... Well, we sat behind the lorry and enjoyed the wind caressing our face. It was fun!. Boon Chek was the main organiser of this trip, and we really enjoyed the trip back, especially the very cramped trip back after filling the whole lorry with pallets.

Here's the pic


Still hoping to find a job. Will pray hard...